Mass Effect fanfiction: Lonely Heart - Chapter 28

Chapter 28 – That's what friends do

They were again on their way to Citadel—Garrus had overheard Shepard giving the order to Joker—after their post-action debriefing. During the talk Garrus had noticed that Shepard's heart was not in the meeting and guessed that she was still musing on the horrible things Ashley Williams had said to her. An incoming call from the Illusive Man had cut the debriefing short, and now the crew was back to their normal posts.

Garrus heard the telltale sound of footsteps behind his back, and turned to face Shepard.

"Need me for something?" he asked.

"Garrus..." He had never heard Shepard's voice so broken before, and she was blinking her eyes rapidly again. "I just need to talk."

"Sure," Garrus replied, gesturing toward the footlocker Shepard usually sat when she visited him.

"You are my only true friend now," she sighed as she sat down heavily. "Ashley..."

Garrus closed the door and sat next to Shepard.

"She was too hard on you," Garrus said, trying to imitate the soothing voice he hard heard Shepard use many times. "She can't have any idea what you've been through. She had no right—"

"But she was right, Garrus," Shepard cut him short. "And I've been an idiot. The Illusive Man was playing tricks." She buried her face to her hands. "He knew where Ash was and what she was doing. He used her to lure the Collectors to Horizon."

"He did what?" Garrus was shocked. "He risked a whole colony? What did he want to gain?"

"He wanted to be sure if the Collectors were interested in me or people close to me," Shepard said and there was no mistaking the pain in her voice. "All those people they got... everyone the Collectors took from Horizon... it's my fault. If the Illusive Man hadn't—"

"It's not your fault, Shepard," Garrus said sternly, forcing her hands down so he could see her face. "You can't blame yourself if the Collectors are after you. You are not responsible for things the Illusive Man does behind your back."

"How can I continue doing what we need to do, if I can't trust anything he says?" Shepard continued, shaking her head. "Ash was right about Cerberus having their fingers in this mess. She told me they can't be trusted, and I tried to change her mind! The whole encounter with her on Horizon went wrong and I was the one who messed it up."

"I don't think she would have listened, what ever you told her," Garrus said quietly. "She had already made up her mind about you, and about what she had heard about Cerberus. She was mad at you for things that were beyond your control. She was angry because after everything is said and done you are only one person."

"What do you mean by that?" Shepard said, looking at him puzzled.

"When we were together before," Garrus explained, choosing his words carefully. "When we hunted Saren, we—all of us, not just Williams—got used to thinking that there was nothing you couldn't do. As she said, you were more than our commander and we would have followed you anywhere, trusting our fate and the fate of the galaxy into your hands. We believed you could do no wrong."

"You don't believe that anymore, do you?" Shepard asked, squinting her eyes, when she noticed he had been referring to it as a thing in the past.

"True, I don't," Garrus said, taking her hand in his. "But it doesn't mean I still wouldn't follow you, to where ever you lead. It's hard to explain..." He hesitated before continuing. "I've come to understand that even you—the great commander Shepard, hero of the entire galaxy—can make mistakes, that there are things that are impossible, even for you. Williams doesn't see things that way. She still wants you to be infallible, keep you on the pedestal."

"And you don't?"

"I admire and respect you, Shepard," Garrus replied, looking at her eyes seriously. "But I don't demand you to do anything more than your best, which I know you're going to do anyway. If things go badly, you can't take all the blame."

"Garrus..." Shepard said softly. "Thank you."

They sat together in silence for a moment and Garrus wondered about the strangeness of the situation. He could remember looking at Shepard's hand earlier on several occasions, thinking what it would feel like to hold it in his. Now they were sitting here together, her hand in his—it was small, warm and soft—and he didn't really know what he had planned to do with it.

"Garrus..." she spoke again. "Do you think I've betrayed the Alliance? That I have turned my back on everything we used to believe in? What we stood for?"

"What we stood for was the protection of the entire galaxy," Garrus assured her. "That is exactly what you are doing here and now. Putting you life in line to save others. You might be forced to fly a ship with Cerberus crest painted to the side, but that doesn't mean they own you."

"Nobody owns me," Shepard pointed out sharply.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you, Shepard," Garrus replied calmly. "You own you. Williams might be blind to the realities of the situation, but I know you, and you wouldn't be doing this if there ever was another option. You just need to believe in it yourself."

"You sure this certainty of yours is not born of the fact that you and Ash didn't like each other?" Shepard asked, but Garrus could tell she was feeling better and simply trying to make a joke.

"Only two team members Williams liked were you and Alenko," Garrus reminded her. "She was particularly fond of Alenko. Always talking about him."

"Yeah," Shepard nodded. "I noticed that. I wonder... maybe Ash's anger at me now is born of the fact that I let Kaidan die—I think she loved him and because I chose to save her and leave him..."

"It was a tough call," Garrus said. "No one should judge you on it. There was no way you could have saved them both and Alenko volunteered for the mission."

"I... sometimes I..." Shepard stammered, swallowing hard. "I have these dreams... He comes there and accuses me... Tells me I should have left Ash on Virmire... And then there is Ash... also telling me it should have been her..."

"Shepard... Second guessing yourself is not good for you."

"Maybe... If it had been Kaidan down there on Horizon..." Shepard was speaking very quietly, but Garrus could still hear her when they sat so close to each other. "Maybe I could have reasoned with him. He would have believed in me... Maybe I wouldn't have these nightmares of him..."

"Then you would be having those dreams about Williams," Garrus pointed out. "And, can you be sure Alenko would have been more reasonable? There is no way to guarantee that. You can't know what would have happened. You can't change the past either."

"I know that, Garrus," Shepard sighed. "Doesn't make this any easier, though."

They shared another long silence, just sitting there, their hands clasped together. In the end Shepard got up and Garrus let go of her hand.

"I'm glad you're here," she said. "Sometimes I need someone to tell me they believe me. I need someone to have faith in me."

"You can always trust me to be here for you, Shepard," Garrus assured. "That is what the friends are for, isn't it."

"Yeah, I guess so," Shepard was half smiling as she opened the door. "And talking about friends. One of the people the Illusive Man wants me to add to the team is Tali. She's on Haestrom."

"That would be great," Garrus smiled. "But what the hell she is doing in geth-space?"

"I don't know," Shepard replied. "And to be honest... After Ash... I'm not sure if she wants to come with us either. Maybe I'm just getting my hopes up."

"Tali is a clever girl, Shepard," Garrus replied, taking out his omni-tool. "Let me show you something." He called up the message he had received from Tali. "There. See? She would have wanted to follow you already back then, but I guess that, what ever this thing on Haestrom is, it's why she could not."

"I only see her suggesting you should find me," Shepard pointed out, but her eyes lingered on the apology Tali had asked Garrus to pass on to her.

"Do you think she would suggest that if she didn't believe you were doing the right thing?" Garrus asked. "I think she wants to join us. You helped her through a very sticky situation. You gave her information to take back to the Flotilla to complete her pilgrimage. You have seen how most of the people around the galaxy treat quarians. They are spitted on, showed to sides, considered scum. But you respected her, gave her one of the greatest gifts one can give to another: self respect and confidence."

"Just like you are doing to me now, Garrus," Shepard replied. She was smiling again and her eyes were bright—she was not sad or angry anymore—and Garrus was happy to see that. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it," Garrus replied, feeling the strange heat rising up to back of his neck again—he was thankful Shepard didn't notice it in the dim light of the main battery. "That's what the friends are for, remember."

"And you are the best of them, Garrus," Shepard said, putting her hand on his armoured shoulder. "It's so good to have you here."

"Can't let you walk into hell alone, can I?" Garrus laughed. "I would just miss the show, when you kick the devil's ass and walk back out."

"Right," Shepard laughed back. "I'll see you later. You are coming with me to meet Anderson, yes?"

"When you give him a piece of your mind because he sent Williams to spy on you?" Garrus joked. "Wouldn't miss it for the life of me."

"Glad to have you aboard, officer Vakarian," Shepard replied, smiling. "See you when we get to the Citadel."

"I'll be there," Garrus promised as Shepard walked out.

When she reached the end of the passage she turned to look back and smiled to him, as she saw he was watching her. He could only hope that their talk had restored part of her self-confidence, which had been missing after the things Williams had said to her on Horizon.

"At least she looks happier now," Garrus thought. He turned to see what EDI had done with his firing controls when linking them with the groundside defence towers on Horizon. "If that damn AI has messed with my calibrations—"